The Gaps

Well, if you've been following my blog at all, (though why would you, really, since I rarely write anymore?) you may have some lingering questions about this Derek fellow. So now I'm finally making time to fill in some of the gaps. (I do want to point out, though, that what follows is also the very reason why I haven't had much time to blog lately. See? Not my fault!)

On April 5, I wrote: "I think I'm really gonna like dating. ;-)" See, that was the day after my first date with Derek. Obviously, I had a pretty good time! He drove down from Columbus and took me to Newport on the Levee for dinner, a movie, and ice cream. It was all strangely comfortable. We'd only been emailing a short time, and had had only one phone conversation before this get-together - granted, it was a 4-hour call, but still! - and yet I felt completely at ease with him. At the same time, I was hesitant to assume it was anything more than that: just a good first date. Plus, I was still just looking forward to meeting and dating a lot of different guys, to learn more about myself and what I needed and wanted in my next relationship. So, I continued emailing several other guys I'd been chatting with from e-harmony, which resulted in a painfully long and boring phone call with another would-be suitor, as well as a very awkward Starbucks meeting with a third bachelor. After those two incidents, I completely changed my mind about dating: not so much fun! I realized not only that I'm not the "date-around" type, but also that the encounter with Derek was indeed unique and special. As we continued talking on the phone, im-ing, texting, and hanging out over the next few weeks, we got to know each other more deeply and began to feel things neither of us had experienced in a long time.

O.k., fast forward to May 2 and 3, Flying Pig weekend. Derek was wonderful, so patient and encouraging as I got ready for my first marathon. On Saturday, I called him my "boyfriend" for the first time, since I had finally decided to give up the idea of dating other people. After all, why would I force myself to go out and meet other random guys when all I really wanted to do each day was talk to Derek or spend time with Derek? So Sunday after the race, we went to his friend's wedding as as officially exclusive couple.

Keep in mind, all this time, Derek is pursuing me intently. He gave me a beaded necklace made by his co-worker on our second date. He brought me flowers several times and even had flowers delivered one day. He affirmed me in all the ways I needed. He encouraged me to pursue God more and he prayed with me. He wrote me sweet notes and poured out his heart to me. He struggled at times to tell me what he was really feeling because it was so intense, and so soon, and because I was so hesitant to give in to the feelings that were starting to take over me as well. But he loved me, in word and in deed, and it wasn't long before I knew that I loved him too.

We talked about marriage early on, partly because we've both been there before and know a little better than others perhaps what we need and want and don't want. But we were also going through a sermon series on marriage in my small group, which was enlightening in several ways I'll explain more in a future post. One of the biggest lessons I learned from that, though, was that love is so much more than a warm, fuzzy feeling; it's an action, and a choice. No matter how good a match is, how good a marriage is, there will be days when each person is irritated or frustrated with the other, and when they might not even like each other very much. But if I trusted that Derek would choose to love me even then, and if I knew that he was worth choosing to love even at those times, then that's what would make ours a strong, happy, enduring union.

I could go into lots of reasons I knew I loved him, but I already blogged about all of that. But it was really when I went off to Yosemite for my brother's wedding (blog to come on that, too...)that things really started happening. I was gone almost a week, but it seemed like much longer in certain ways. For example, no day seemed complete until I talked to Derek about everything that had happened. But even that didn't really seem good enough because I wanted to share all those experiences with him, rather than trying to describe everything for him afterwards. And actually, I found that I really couldn't enjoy the beauty of my surroundings quite as much without him next to me. Yes, I concluded then that I never wanted to travel by myself again.

He was struggling a lot in my absence as well, from what I understand, and concluded something similar: he didn't want to go through this life without me either. We went ring shopping that night, he looked again and bought something at a shop in Columbus the next day, and on Friday he drove back down to propose.

It was tricky at first because everyone was really surprised that we'd gotten engaged so quickly, but things quieted down as the news spread and settled in. Still, we said we didn't want to rush into wedding planning at the expense of preparing for the marriage, so we decided not to even set a date till September. Of course, that didn't last either, and now, thanks in part to my father's power of suggestion, we're getting married on October 17! We both always liked the idea of a fall wedding, and God worked it out to where we can do it then at the place we want in Hocking Hills, even though there was originally a scheduling conflict... Anyway, that's the plan! And here's a little preview of what it'll look like:

But most of all, I'm just looking forward to beginning the rest of our life together!

:-)

Why I Love Derek

1. Derek is a strong spiritual leader. Sure, he's had his moments of doubting and running from God - who among us hasn't? - but he loves the Lord and it shows. In our relationship, he takes the initiative in prayer and studying the Word, and he encourages me to pursue God wholeheartedly and grow in my own walk with Him.
2. Derek sees the good in me, even the good that's not quite realized yet, and he wants to be a part of bringing it to be in me. Likewise, he allows me to draw out of him the goodness he can't always see. I love that we are both determined to encourage each other, and that we are both more confident as a result.
3. Derek and I share a lot of common interests and passions (e.g. God, singing, biking...), but he also cares about countless other things simply because I care about them. For example, he loves on my cat, he supports me in my athletic endeavors, and he encourages me to rediscover my artistic outlets.
4. Derek's primary love language is also quality time (although he is quite skilled at communicating love in multiple ways). I love that he always wants to be with me, and I never feel like I'm bothering him when I want to spend time with him. Every moment we spend together is better simply because we're together.
5. Derek is very in touch with his emotions. I love that he feels deeply, and that he understands and shares whatever is on his heart or mind. I tend to be pretty logical most of the time, but Derek draws out my emotional side as well. We complement each other well, I think.
6. Derek is an excellent communicator. I've known for awhile how important this quality is to me, but Derek surpasses every hope I ever had in this regard. In fact, I used to think I was a good communicator, but I pale in comparison! He's not afraid to bring up difficult but important issues, or even if he is afraid he discusses them anyway because he recognizes the importance of working through things immediately. And once something has been resolved, he forgets about it.
7. Derek is aggressive; he knows what he wants and he actively and passionately pursues it. Spiritually, emotionally, physically... he is strong. I've spent so much time trying to be strong that I love how he is able to make me feel weak too.
8. Derek is also extraordinarily affectionate. I warned him early on that I'm not, but perhaps that wasn't quite accurate. He brings out such a tender side of me that has been dormant far too long. I still sometimes worry about how others will react to his/our affection, but I never want him to deny that part of who he is.
9. Derek isn't always practical. I'm a pretty practical person, but I definitely love it when he does some impractical things. For example, he wouldn't even hesitate to drive down from Columbus even if it was to spend just a few hours with me. And he's already bought me flowers on several occasions; sure, flowers cost a lot and just die in the end, but they're so pretty in the meantime! Plus, they just show me how much he thinks of me, which I suppose is worth far more than the money he spent on them in the first place.
10. Derek is perhaps the most committed person I've ever met. And I love that, because I'm the same way. It's rather strange, actually, how quickly this has all happened, and yet I trust him with everything that I am and I so look forward to a lifetime of learning additional reasons and ways to love him.

Banishment

In an earlier post, I wrote that my cat is stinkin’ cute and often makes me smile. Yes, Rechina has brought me so much joy over the last 11 years, and I’ve often thanked God for her, as crazy as that might sound. She’s been with me through many ups and downs and I really can’t imagine not having her in my life.

Whenever I walk through the house and see her in one of her many favorite spots, I often have to just stop and look at her for a minute with a big smile on my face. For example:


She is also quick to take advantage of new and interesting locations as they present themselves:


But really, she just likes to be wherever I am. Being a cat, she sleeps most of the day, but she does wake up and come into the office or wherever I am every few hours for a little lovin’:


Which is why I feel so guilty for having to banish her…

See, Rechina is not always the perfect little princess she appears to be in these photos. No, years ago, she started peeing places she shouldn’t. At first it was on the rug next to her litter box in the bathroom, which was easily solved by removing the rug. Then she started actually going on my bed, so I would just lock her out of the bedroom whenever I wasn’t in there. Recently, she’s decided that the dining room carpet makes a good toilet. I rented a carpet cleaner, but she could still smell the pee and picked right back up again. Racking my brain, I concluded that I couldn’t make her an outdoor cat since she’s never been outside in all her 12 long years, and I doubt I could find a new home for an old pet with such an offensive habit. Hopeless, in tears, I started to accept the fact that I might have no other option than to have her put to sleep. I knew the day would come when she would pass away, and as sad as they day would be, it pales in comparison to the pain I feel simply at the thought of having to be the one to kill her in effect. Yet, I didn’t know what else to do.

Still, I had to try everything. I took her to the vet and they first tested her urine for bacteria. There were trace amounts, though probably not enough to be causing this problem. Still, an antibiotic was the first course of action. If that didn’t make a difference, she was to be put on Prozac. Supposedly, the Prozac helps calm animals down enough so that they abandon these bad habits, and it has a 75% success rate according to the vet. During all of this, she was also to be isolated, to hopefully retrain her to go only in her litter box. And so began the chapter of Rechina’s life banished to my garage. It’s quite a lot of space, actually, and I tried to make it as comfortable as possible, though I’m sure she’s still unhappy being secluded like that. I mean, I assume that most of the time she just sleeps the day away as usual, only in the garage instead of the house, but whenever I walk past the garage door I can hear her crying loudly inside, and of course she tries to sneak out whenever I open the door to go in. I feel bad for her out there all alone, and I miss her presence in the house, but I figure it’s better than the alternative.

So, we’ll see. I rented the carpet cleaner again and also drenched the carpet and pad with a odor eliminator to hopefully get rid of the remaining smell. And when I get back from my trip to Yosemite for my brother’s wedding, I’ll start her on the kitty Prozac. This whole thing is so frustrating, and I just can’t understand WHY she’s doing it. This most recent increase in the frequency began shortly after I started dating Derek, and while she seems to like him just fine, I wonder if she’s jealous because she’s receiving less of my attention since he’s come into my life. I don’t know. In the garage, I put a blanket down for her to sleep on, the only soft place in there for her lie down, and still she peed on it. I replaced the blanket with a suitcase, but she went on that too. Why would she pee where she sleeps? I just don’t get it! I get so angry with her, and yet I still love her…

Anyway, I’ll keep you posted. But in the meantime, thanks for allowing me to vent.

Delayed Success is Even Sweeter

I started training for the 2008 Flying Pig, but had to drop out after an achilles injury. After some physical therapy, I was good to go, and had a great triathlon season last summer. I also started training for the October Marine Corps Marathon in D.C., but had to give that up after some other foot issues, including plantar fasciitis. It was mostly better after a few lazy months last fall, so I began training again in January with the Fleet Feet group for the 2009 Flying Pig. My feet still gave me problems at times, but running didn't seem to make it much worse, so I kept at it. I'd be in quite a bit of pain after the longer (14+ mile) training runs, but I'd be o.k. again after a couple days. The twenty-miler hurt, but I wasn't about to give up at that point. I didn't run the Tuesday or Thursday after that because I wanted to let my body fully recover before submitting it to the rigors of backpacking the following weekend. That, however, proved even more strenuous, and I was sore for another week following our return. So two weeks after our last long run, I tried running 8 miles and just about died. It was like my body had forgotten how to run! I got a bit concerned, but everyone told me that I was ready. I made sure to get my last two weeks of shorter runs in, and did feel better by race day, but I was still nervous. I figured it would be hard, and I assumed it would hurt, but I knew all that would go away after a few days. I just wanted to get through the thing to say I'd done it and put that silly goal behind me.

The day before the marathon, 5 of us who'd been training together met up for a nice slow 2-mile jog. Someone suggested we come up with a team name for our group, and I threw out Team Cheetah, which ended up sticking. All along we'd been training by running 3 minutes and walking 1, and we figured the cheetah was a good mascot for us since they run really fast for awhile and then stop to eat their prey. Or something like that. Only we never really ran very fast, least of all me. Oh, well, it was fun, and created an even stronger bond between us I think. I know that for me, anyway, I felt so much better going into this thing having a team of friends around me who kept telling me I could do it. We met up Sunday morning with Team Cheetah signs on and set off for the starting line.


Somewhere at about mile 5, the team got separated after a water stop. Marty, Angela and I were together, but we'd lost Doug, Laura, and Dick. Just before heading into Eden Park, the three of us stopped at the portapots, and Laura and Dick passed us as we waited in line. I ran with Marty and Angela as long as I could, but finally at about mile 12 I let them go on ahead of me. I told myself, "This is your race. Run it your way." I could have pushed myself a little more, stuck with them a little longer, but I didn't want to hurt myself or make myself more miserable than I needed to be Sure, I kind of had a goal of 5 hours in my mind, but really I just wanted to finish what I'd set out to do more than a year earlier. I felt victorious already as I thought about how far I'd come. Of course, my right heel was hurting pretty good by that point, so that I had to step only on the ball of my foot whenever I walked, but it was definitely manageable. And, perhaps miraculously, I noticed near mile 14 or 15 that it didn't hurt anymore!

No doubt about it, though, I was tired. Between miles 17 and 18, as I ran through Mariemont, I felt pretty strong, like I got my second wind, but that's all the longer that lasted. I gladly accepted half a banana from some nice supporter, even though I'd never trained with anything other than my Hammer Gel. Oh, and I also had a Twizzler. And a few orange slices a little later on. They all tasted delightful. The second half of the race is kind of a blur (and I think only partially because I waited 2 weeks to write up my race report). After that I just remember giving myself short goals, like getting to mile 21 where the Fleet Feet folks were stationed. I think I even managed a pretty good smile as I ran past Jeremy and the other amazing people out there to cheer us on that morning. My short-term goals got shorter, to where I was really only thinking about the next 3-minute run till my next walk break, but it worked: I think I can do anything for 3 minutes.

With only a mile or two left, I suddenly saw Coach Jen jogging toward me from the direction of the finish line. She had only run the half marathon that morning since she'd run her full a week or two beforehand, but she was heading back onto the course to check on the rest of her team. I think I was just super emotional at that point because I started having trouble breathing as I fought back tears. Another Fleet Feet runner met up with us at about that point, and the three of us slowly but surely made our way toward the finish line. Jen got off the course before we reached the end, and the other girl ran ahead of me. I crossed the finish line alone, and a flood of emotions swept over me: No, I don't want a blanket, just my medal please. Yes... water... thank you. Oh, hi Marty, yeah, I made it. Where's the food? Where's Derek? Oh, there, on the phone outside the fence. I'm so glad you're here. Where are my sandals? Can I please just sit for a moment? Will you take my picture? Yeah, I'm fine, just really tired and a little sore. But none of the foot pain I usually have. Wow, no blisters even. Yeah, I actually feel pretty good. But we're gonna have to take it really slow walking the mile or so back to the car...

Home. Quick shower just to rinse off. Eat some leftover pasta. Sleep, maybe 1.5 or 2 hours. Another shower. Get ready for Derek's friend's wedding. And we're off. Just let me walk slowly and I'll be o.k. Delicious, free dinner I didn't have to cook. Nice!

So, yeah. I did it. It took me 5 hours, 23 minutes, and 45 seconds, but I did it. And even though there was very little about that race that was actually fun, since it didn't hurt that bad and since I didn't finish it in 5 hours like I'd hoped, I'll probably have to try again. 'Cause I'm just kinda crazy like that.

Marathoning

Well, it's just about here: race weekend. That's right, this Sunday, I'll be running my first (and last?) marathon, the Flying Pig. I've been training for it since January, and I was feeling pretty well prepared after making it through our 20-mile run a month ago. Then began the taper... Although, for me it was more than a taper really. I took some time off from running because my feet were hurting pretty bad, and because of a backpacking trip. The next run I did was an 8-miler, and it was rough. It was just sort of like my body had forgotten how to run! Now I'm worried, with only 2 more very short runs before the race. I'm sure I'll make it through, because I know sheer determination can carry me when I've got nothing left in me, but I'm expecting it to be slower and more painful than I'd originally planned. We'll see, though! (From the link above you can see the course map and other details, and even track my progress during the race if you're so inclined; my number is 3559.)

So, by now you all know that I'm pretty active: always training for something, or at least on the go from one activity to another. Which is fun! But I'm not so good at resting... And I've been thinking about this a bit lately, particularly as it pertains to my spiritual life. I love how the Bible describes the Christian walk as a race or a fight: it's not at all the passive thing we often allow it to become. BUT, I think we also have to actively pursue quiet times with our Father. It may seem a contradiction, but I know for me it's true: if I don't intentionally set aside time to quiet my mind and just be still with my God, to simply enjoy his presence or listen for his voice, I'll quickly fill my every moment doing something else instead. And even though those things are usually very good things - either good for me physically or emotionally, or even serving God - they can never replace simply being with him.

This life is not a sprint; it's a marathon. And if there's one thing I've been learning through all my training, it's that the beginning matters very little. What's more important is keeping a consistent pace and finishing strong. To be honest, I'm not even sure why I'm attempting a marathon since I don't really like running, but for some reason I got it in my mind that I should do one, and so here I am. But just as I now have this vision of crossing that finish line and receiving my medal to get me through, I know that I need a similar focus to sustain and inspire me spiritually as well. And we see a picture of that in Hebrews 12:1-3:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus... Yes. And I'm so thankful for the encouragement I've been receiving recently from an amazing new friend who challenges my priorities and steers me back on course toward the finish line that I know is really most important. :-)

Personal Reminder

"For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come." -1 Tim. 4:8

Going Through the Motions

Matthew West's The Motions

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
Instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
Instead of going through the motions?"

Take me all the way (take me all the way)
Take me all the way ('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
Take me all the way (I know I'm finally feeling something real)
Take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions

Yep. I wrote once about regret and how I try to take every opportunity that comes my way so that I'll have nothing to regret. I have an exciting and active life, partially as a result of this I think, but I'm realizing that regret can come just as easily from not savoring quiet times as from missing certain adventures. When it's all said and done, the life I lead on this earth will only be a speck on the timeline of eternity. So how effectively am I using my time here to get ready for all that lies ahead?

I'm tired of just going through the motions. I miss the passion that once burned in my heart for God. I wonder how different my life would look if I really gave Him everything. I pray today that He would bring me back and take me all the way.

Randomness

Lots of things on my mind, but not much time to write. Here are a few teasers, but I'll try to elaborate soon on some of them...

• I love the sound of deep, rolling thunder, and rain on my skylight.
• My cat is stinkin' cute and often makes my smile. :-)
• Twenty miles is a long way to run.
• I'm thinking God really knew what he was doing with establishing a Sabbath.
• Music speaks to my soul in a way few things can.
• Creation is another, and I can't wait to soak it in next weekend.
• I think I'm really gonna like dating. ;-)
• When real life gets busy and fun, I find I don't spend as much time in this virtual world I've created to give my thoughts a place to play. But I also miss the intentional reflection it affords...

I'll be back. Sooner rather than later, I hope.

Updates

Work's been getting cancelled a bit lately, but it looks like I'll be getting a pretty nice tax refund soon which will help immensely when I go to pay my bills next month! I also might get to be an assistant track coach at CHCA middle school, which would be crazy fun and help out a bit financially as well. We'll see... Still waiting to hear from ETS about the pics I sent in a week or two ago. Hopefully they'll buy a good number of those and give me some positive feedback to be even more successful the next time around.

Spring appears to have sprung, though I realize the temps'll be up and down for awhile. Still, it's helped with my training (that, and not having so much work lately!). I've been out on the bike a few times recently, and even used it for my first 11.5 commuter miles in Cincinnati yesterday! Looking forward to the start of the time trial season, though the big hill on the 40K course is scaring me a bit and I really don't know what kind of time to expect. Running with the Fleet Feet gang has been awesome lately as well! The run/walkers are way cooler, or maybe I just like it better 'cause I'm not always the slowest one anymore... :-) No, but it just makes it more social and therefore more fun when you're not focused entirely on the pain. Actually, I haven't had much pain yet, for which I'm truly thankful, though the long runs are getting longer and taking their toll. We did 14 miles last Saturday, which hurt. Nothing specific, it just sapped every ounce of energy I had, and I'd even forced myself to suck down some gel along the way. Guess I still have some stuff to figure out there. And, I'm not looking forward to doing my long run this week by myself... Oh, well.

Also had to re-plan my summer race schedule when I agreed to go back to New Jersey for the internship again. Except the 70.3 in Michigan August 1, that I've still got to do since it's my A race this year. And the folks in Jersey agreed to let me take 2 days off to get out there and back, so that's awesome. You may recall that I had a rather difficult time in Princeton last summer, yet a big part of me is really looking forward to going back: seeing the friends I met last summer again, training with some skilled and fun athletes, not having to worry about work for two months, competing in a couple of the same races I did last season to see if I've improved... Plus, I definitely won't be staying with Irmgard this summer, so it's bound to be better in that regard, though I will stop by to visit with her. And this time, since I know for sure it's only temporary, I'm not quite as worried to be leaving my Cincinnati friends, even though I will definitely miss them.

Been chatting online with a few nice guys from eHarmony. Looking forward to phone calls and/or getting together soon... Also, a couple friends and I have started a challenge to get out and meet new people and date more casually over the next couple of months. It's kind of exciting to think about, but also terrifyingly uncomfortable at the same time. Could be a good time to learn and grow, though, so we'll see how that goes.

Guess that's about it for now! I'll try to keep more up-to-date with my postings in the future...